Deep Inside
by IamAgLeek
Summary: A glimpse into what greg is really feeling. Greg Story. chapter 3 up! mention of suicide
1. Not Appreciated

**Deep Inside  
  
Disclaimers: I don't own any of the CSI characters  
  
Spoilers: Scuba Doobie-Doo and Play With Fire  
  
Chapter 1: Not appreciated**  
  
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"You're welcome" He shouted to the empty doorway  
  
What would it take to make them respect him? He thought  
  
They thought they had him all figured out. The goofy lab tech that wears bright shirts and listens to loud rock music. He wasn't like that all the time. Nobody could be that happy all the time.  
  
He doesn't show many people his other side. They always end up hurting him when he does. He gets so use to putting on that fake smile that it's become part of him now.  
  
He wondered what they would say if he did show the real Greg? They'd probably think he was joking around.  
  
It took the explosion to make the nightshift realize how important he was to the team.  
  
Then 3 weeks after, they ignored him again. It was better off that way, with no questions asked. In the hospital, he had to dodge questions about his family.  
  
Where were they? How come they didn't come visit you? Do they live around here?  
  
So many questions to which he didn't have an answer for. Answers he wondered about also, and some he didn't want to know.  
  
Truth was, they abandoned him a long time ago. He lived in foster homes as long as he could remember. He didn't stay there long, each having an excuse to get rid of him. By 16, he was tired and he wanted out. He went to court and got emancipated. He worked 2 jobs and lived in a run-down apartment but managed. He got a scholarship to Berkley in science.  
  
He was proud of the fact that he did it all on his own. He often wondered what it would have been like for his parents to actually be there and help him.  
  
Out of nightshift, he had always considered Nick a close friend. At least he thought they were friends, until he heard Nick make the "CSI wannabe" comment.  
  
Maybe he did want to become a CSI, what was wrong with that? He needed to get out of the lab, to see what else was out there.  
  
He always considered his lab a safe place. After the explosion happened, he was scared to go in there.  
  
Nobody else woke up to nightmares of the explosion very night. He was lucky if he managed to go back to sleep at all.  
  
After all, he was just a lab tech. Why should they care about him?  
  
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**A/N: It was a response to a challenge story, but then I decided to turn it into a real story. If you like it, review and I'll continue to write. If you don't, then tell me. **


	2. Misunderstood

Deep Inside

Disclaimer: Dont own any of the characters of CSI (blast them. haha)

A/N: Sorry it took so long, but what brought on another chapter is the reviews.

Chapter 2: Misunderstood

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He finally figured it out. They all misunderstood him. They thought he was all talk and action, but he really wasn't. He wished he was invited out to breakfast with the rest of the gang, but all they did was walk right past him.

What was even worst, was his crush on Sara.

Yes he liked her. More than liked her, he admired her. Not that she liked him back or anything, because she just thought he was the annoying lab tech.

All he wanted was a chance. One chance to show her the real him, but he couldn't. She was too wrapped up in Grissom to even notice him.

Maybe he should just give up on love

It let him down too many times to count.

High School. Manda Thompson, his first love. They met in chemistry class, and for him it was love at first sight. They soon began dating after that. It was a wonderful year and a half, until he caught her cheating on him with his best friend. He got that scholarship to Berkely and never spoke to them again.

College. Jen Carlson, the one that changed his life. She was a sorority girl, and he was the lowly science geek. He had to tutor her, and their relationship grew. She was loud, passionate, wild and crazy. The complete opposite of him, but somehow they wound up together. She taught him to live his life to the fullest and he did, until the day she was killed. His heart turned to stone when he heard the news, and he broke down for the first time that day. He let himself give in and cry. He cried for his losing his parents, Manda, and of course for Jen. The day of her funeral, he remembered going up to the coffin and seeing her once bright face, sad and lonely. He remembered sitting there and talked about all the good times they had and how she had changed his life for the better and how he would never forget her.

Then he moved to New York. It was so different from where he used to live. The people were impatient, pushy and angry. He fit right in, with the way he felt after Jen died. He moved to New York to find himself, but all he ended up finding was trouble. First it was smoking, then he moved on to pot and then on to coke. At first it wasn't an addiction, it was a stress reliever.

Then he met Alicia. She was the reason he got help. He wasn't sure if he could ever love after Jen's loss, but meeting Alicia was unexpected. She hated him at first and in turn, he couldn't stand her either. That all changed the night she almost got raped at the club they worked at. He worked as a bartender and she was a waitress. One of the customers tried something when she was walking out to her car. Thankfully, he was there to help her. He ended up with a black eye and a broken arm, but it was well worth the thank-you kiss he got for it. She convinced him to get help for his problem and he did, for her.

She left him 4 months later. He woke up and she wasn't next to him. He found a note saying she couldn't be with him anymore because it hurt her knowing that she didn't feel the same way. He remembered feeling hurt and angry after finding it. He wanted so bad to go do some coke, but then he thought about Jen. He wanted to finish living his life, not die right now because of an overdose. He left that night for San Francisco. He got a job at the crime lab as a DNA tech. He loved his job, and the people that worked there.

1 year later he got a job offer at the Las Vegas Crime Lab. He thought it was time for a new change of scenery, so he packed up his bags and left. Vegas was like New York, nobody ever slept. Working night shift didn't help either, but he managed.

Then Sara Sidle showed up, right after Holly Gibbs died. He remembered that night well, he had a ton of samples to run and he was driving everyone crazy. Then she showed up. He fell for her the first time he saw her, she was beautiful. But, she already had her eyes on someone else. That someone else would be Mr. Gil Grissom. He didn't know what she saw in him, but he hoped one day she realized she liked him instead.

That one day was moving farther and farther away.

No, Greg Sanders didn't have the perfect life. He only wished that he had someone who understood him, and someone to make him happy again.


	3. Misleading Thoughts

Deep Inside

Disclaimer: I stilll don't own any of the character so stop harrassing me. jeez

A/N: Thanks for the reviews guys!

Chapter 3: Misleading Thoughts

He's thought about it. Actually more than once, but he's managed to get past it.

Right after his first foster home, he thought about what it would be like if he died. Would anybody care enough to come to his funeral? To cry for him, and to pray for him? He didn't think anyone cared that much about him.

He never quite felt like he belonged in the world, like he had no sole purpose to live. Maybe that's why he picked up that chemistry set when he was seven? Maybe he thought he could change the world by developing a cure for a disease.

That never happened. So he decided to work at the crime lab, to help catch the bad guys. At least he was helping put away people that deserved it. At one time, he thought he was one of those peope. He knows he's never done anything that bad, but he felt like it when he was using coke. He felt like he was the one raping someone, or killing innocent people. But he wasn't, he was just a coke head.

He spent many years lusting after her, but never getting her. Her heart belonged to another. But then, it happened. Sara Sidle kissed him. At first, he couldnt' believe it. Maybe it was a mistake at first, but he knew it wasn't after she kissed him again.

It was right after the lab explosion and after she asked Grissom out to dinner. He declined, like the idiot he is. Greg was in the locker room when she came in and spilled out the whole story. He rubbed her back and told her she wasn't stupid, but maybe she was looking for love in the wrong places.

She kissed him right there in the locker room. He dreamed of this moment for a long time, and still couldn't believe it happened. They started seeing each other after that, secretly of course.

Then 7 months later, it happened. He knew deep down that she really didn't want him. He was just there for a quick comfort, but he hoped in time she would change her mind. He was walking toward his car when he saw them. Grissom and Sara, making out in Grissoms truck. Somehow Grissom must have found out about their relationship and felt the need to win Sara back, because he never showed interest before her and Greg started going out. His heart ripped in a million pieces that day.

That night he wanted to do it. It seemed so easy, with the razor laying on his nightstand.

Would they come to his funeral? Would Sara shed guilt for what happened, and blame herself? Would Grissom even care? Or would he hold her while she cried on his shoulder, whispering to her that everything would be alright? Would anybody from the lab come? Did he even matter to any of them, or was he just someone who got them their results and someone to make small talk with? Would Nick be angry that he was Greg's emergency contact? He was the only friend he had in Vegas, if Greg could even call Nick that. Sure they joked around and placed bets but Nick was Warricks best friend, not Greg's. Greg was the guy behind the scenes, watching everything that happened in front of him without anyone noticing.

The smartest thing he ever could have done that night was throw that razor away. He was just going to have to deal with it the hard way instead of taking the easy way out like some kind of coward. He wasn't like that, and he wouldn't want to be remembered as a coward when he died. He wanted to be remembered as someone who made a difference in someone's life.

He only wished someone would take the time and get to know him, then he wouldn't have picked up that razor in the first place.


End file.
